This side of the wall

Thoughts from the heart of a former pornography addict's wife.

"Over here I have a life. Oh sure, it's a good life...as far as anyone else knows. Good clothes, impressive house. Yeah, it's a house, but it's far from being a home. It's full of heartbreak. It's full of hopelessness. My heart feels betrayed, and I feel...alone."

"You see, my husband is a pornography addict. He has a road job and is almost never here. To be honest, he's occasionally here...in this house, but he's almost never home in his heart. He spends far more money on those books and videos than he spends on me. They are his real desire, not me. I feel like he is cheating on me. We fuss. I sense no love or regard coming from him. My senses let me feel no connection like those I've dreamed that a married couple should have. Instead, between us are books...stacks and stacks of books, terrible books. They form a wall, really. I know I can't reach thru that wall. I've tried. Oh, how I've tried. It's been like this for who knows how many years."

Those are the words you would have heard nearly twenty years ago had you asked me what was going on in my private life. It was an extremely difficult time for me. Tom had been a pornography addict for more than twenty years. He had a job on the road, a job that sometimes took him away for eight months at a time. I felt totally rejected, but I had no idea what to do. I knew that he had made the choice and that nothing I said ever made a difference.

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Of course, I could never discuss Tom's problem - our problem - with friends. It was a hidden thing. It was totally embarrassing. I didn't even know that there was such a thing as pornography addiction, that it had a name or that books had been written about it. In spite of all the ugliness that I saw in our marriage, I never knew the extent of his addiction until God miraculously delivered him from it, and he began to tell me how he had been living. I discovered that perhaps he really had not been capable of giving more to the marriage. His addiction had consumed him. It controlled him...totally.

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What was it that brought about such a drastic change in him, and consequently in our marriage? It started with prayer. I broke my silence and started asking people to pray for him when he said he was coming home one last time to get all of his clothes. Some of our friends began to pray for Tom and God did the rest. That trip to come get his clothes and leave for good never happened. Instead he came home to me, heart and all!

He was miraculously delivered of his pornography addiction and started going with me to a church I had found through some friends. It is more than fifteen years later and God is still Tom's real desire. He writes about his struggle with pornography addiction so that others who feel no hope will hear that it is indeed possible to be free from it.

Because I had not mentioned this problem to anyone, no one knew to tell me, "Don't give up." But that is my word to you, the spouse of an ex-pornography addict. Don't give up! I can't tell you the course that you will take as you climb out of the pit that your spouse's pornography addiction has dug for you. But I do know that prayer works and that it is for all of us. That means there is a way out - for everyone! Call on God. He already knows your problem. Tell Him you want Him to tear down your wall!

(Mera Buford is the wife of Tom Buford, founder of Man On The Road and author of Riding a Dead Horse: Carousel to Hell.) 

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